Your Health Insurance Is Now Supermarket Cake

Expensive Personnel,

We are delighted to formally roll out the company’s new health gains. Grocery store Cake is an revolutionary insurance policies choice that will allow you to skip monotonous, standard health care techniques such as “seeing a health care provider,” “making a life-style adjust,” and “surgery” to get straight to what will make you come to feel superior: shoveling low-priced grocery retailer cake into your cake gap.

Here’s how it is effective: Every thirty day period, a top quality will be deducted from your paycheck, and, in trade, your Grocery store Cake protection will pay for 80 {a652ac39cb023ff8fd1cc85f4393f5b1bb70bf2f880b7bee35f712e4bd8633f7} of your expenditures each and every time you encounter a professional medical challenge, so extended as your expenses are constrained to a $27.99 supermarket cake that you purchased to ease and comfort-take in while stressing about how you will find the money for to resolve your professional medical concern.

As a chief in wellness, Supermarket Cake eschews previous-university notions like preventive treatment or crisis wound dressing. Alternatively, we empower you, the modern American client, on your journey towards whole-individual overall health where by each and every sharp pain and disconcerting lump sends you not to a clinic but to a bakery aisle that can supply you with plenty of vanilla-flavored empty energy to see God.

If you have signed up for the Supermarket Cake PPO selection, you can access myriads of in-network suppliers like Safeway, H-E-B, and Piggly Wiggly. If you’ve selected the lessen-price tag Grocery store Cake HMO, coverage is restricted to your PCP (major cake service provider), which is a Food 4 Much less miles away, exactly where the pastry scenario is often sweating and the audio procedure under no circumstances stops participating in Maroon 5’s sophomore album, It Won’t Be Quickly Prior to Very long.

Being familiar with your prescription coverage is easier than at any time with Grocery store Cake, primarily mainly because no prescription drugs are covered—just Styrofoam clamshell containers for your unfinished portions, so you can self-administer corner parts as necessary when symptoms happen. This is related to how you could have used your bronchial asthma inhaler had we paid out for just one.

For dental issues, we invite you to obtain Supermarket Cake’s absolutely free app, YumYumHealth, for 24-7 accessibility to virtual consultations addressing your oral health and fitness wants. Our board-qualified dentists are standing by to supply authentic-time tutorials on how finest to maneuver cake forkfuls to the back of your throat and avoid get hold of with your rotting teeth.

Grocery store Cake also delivers top rated-tier mental wellness benefits, including our minimal-time “Eat Your Feelings” marketing campaign. For the up coming six months, subscribers can pipe the intrusive imagined of their deciding upon on to a confetti-sprinkled quarter sheet cost-free of cost.

And though typical counseling sessions are not protected beneath the Supermarket Cake policy, we offer you the therapeutic alternate of obtaining pre-minimize slices loosely wrapped in off-brand name tinfoil and frozen so that they may well be eaten unthawed at 3:00 a.m. while vacantly staring into the disquieting glow of the open fridge and pondering the merciless and unceasing trudge toward demise that we all will have to endure.

We’re very pleased to have you as a member and hope you will love all your delightful benefits. Keep in mind, while open enrollment is now closed, if you practical experience a qualifying lifetime occasion during the year, you might be granted a exclusive window for the duration of which you can up grade to our Elite Rosette Approach, which provides Delicate, Pink Frosted Cookie coverage.

Make sure you be aware, all claims are subject matter to an once-a-year out-of-pocket deductible of $8,500 prior to any cake payment is obligated to begin.